Moving on...

I started this blog a few years ago because I felt a strong desire to connect with other moms of an only child.  Along the way, I met some great people who had a huge impact on me.  I made friends everywhere.  I didn't feel so alone in my little world.

Over the past couple of months, I have thought a lot about blogging.  I really enjoy writing and I particularly enjoy writing about my daughter.  I want to document and write about every single thing she says and does.  But, it's just not possible.  Life has become hectic.  I have other obligations and responsibilities that demand my attention and energy.  After much thought, I have decided to move on from this blog.  It served a wonderful purpose at the time and I'm thankful to everyone who read what I wrote and took the time to comment.  You have made me a better person.

While my goal was to connect with other moms, in the end, this blog allowed me to connect more with myself as a mother.  I am confident, now more than ever, that I am doing right by my daughter and I am the mother I've always wanted to be to her.  This blog has served its purpose.

So long readers.

And... thank you!

Potty Training Problems, part 2

I am doing what I said I would never do.  It goes against everything I believe as a parent.  As a teacher, I have never used this strategy, nor would I ever.  I have told myself that it doesn't work, there are better methods and surely I can do better.

I'm bribing my kid.

Yup, bribing my kid.  With all the potty issues we have had, I didn't want her getting sick, being constipated or in pain.  So, I bribe her.  If she poops, she gets a "special treat".  She bought into it (for now) and is even saying she wants a "special treat" as she's pulling down her pants.  

One day, she did it on demand.

Huh.

Imagine that.

To ease my guilt, I have decided that her "special treats" are going to help her with her problem.  We usually give her a prune ball, some of my infamous chocolate pudding or organic cookies.  We put the treat in an Easter egg and she gets to open it like a surprise.  The other day, just to switch things up, we gave her a sticker and she thought that was neat.

So far, no poop issues.  

As for my lingering feelings of guilt, I'm going to tell myself that I'm doing this for my daughter's good health and that it's not bribing at all.  

It's parenting.    

Potty Training Problems

Where do I begin?  This has been a huge source of stress and anxiety for me. Overall, Miss B has done relatively well in transitioning from diapers to panties. She feels a huge sense of pride and accomplishment with her efforts.  It only took about a week (with the exception of 2-3 accidents) and she was a believer.


However, there have been issues.  She was so proud of being a big girl that if she did have an accident, it was the end of the world.  It happened one morning as we were heading out the door to work/daycare.  She melted down like I have never seen before.  I couldn't even get close to her to comfort her. I couldn't even talk. Any movement or sound of my voice just sent her deeper.  I had to stand back and watch my daughter writher around on the floor, soaked to the you-know-what.  It was awful.  I went to work in tears that morning completely deflated.  Finally, at the end of the day, a colleague took me aside and told me this was good.


What?!  Good?!  How???


Apparently kids who feel hurt and embarrassment from wetting their underpants are easier to train.  If they don't feel bad about it, they don't care to wet their panties.  That made sense and gave me the encouragement I needed to work through the next accident.  In no time, this issue resolved itself.


Only to make way for a bigger and more complicated one: holding poo.


I can't begin to express the level of frustration I have felt over the past couple of weeks regarding this.  For one, anytime I mentioned this to friends/colleagues, all told me: "It's normal.".  Well... if it's so damn normal, why didn't anyone, anyone tell me to expect this????  Why wasn't it written in any of the dozen or so websites I visited about potty training???  Why is is such a darn secret??


If I thought Miss B wetting her pants was a challenging moment in parenthood, I had another thing coming.  She can go days without having a bowel movement (compared to when she was a baby when she was so regular and could go three times a day).  She will cross her legs, do a little dance, hold her bum, ask for the potty, go to the potty, give up on the potty, cry that she doesn't want to go and then hop off the toilet.  This will happen every five minutes.  Every time it starts up, my anxiety hits the roof. I have heard of friends having to take their kids to the hospital because of severe constipation.  I know her poo is going to get hard and will be harder to pass. I know she's in pain.  Yet, there's nothing I can do.


Time to get serious.  If I can't control what comes out, I can control what goes in. After much research, Hubby discovered some very interesting information.  We were told to up Miss B's fibre intake.  But, a mom has to be cautious.  Giving a child the wrong fibre solutions can make the withholding worse.  There are two types of fibre: soluble and insoluble.  Insoluble fibre can only be digested with large amounts of water.  Kids don't necessarily take in enough water to make it effective. Stick to soluble fibre!  Armed with that information, I was on a quest to make Miss B some yummy stuff.  Here are two recipes that have made a huge difference.


Chocolate pudding
Adapted from Martha Stewart  


This pudding is made with avocados and prunes, two excellent sources of soluble fibre.  Miss B can't get enough of it! 


3 avocados
6 tablespoons cocoa powder
1/4 cup raw honey
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
1 teaspoon of cinnamon
1-2 small jars of pureed prunes (from the baby food section)
coconut water as needed

1. Puree all ingredients in a food processor until smooth.  Serve!

Prune Treats

Adapted from Elana's Pantry

1 cup of prunes, pits removed

1-2 cups of almonds or walnuts

1/2 cup of dark chocolate chips

1 tablespoon of vanilla extract

coconut water as needed.

1. Place prunes, nuts and chocolate in food processor and pulse until the texture resembles coarse gravel.  Add vanilla.
2. Add coconut water if necessary.
3. Form mixture into one inch balls.
4. Serve.

I'm not in the habit of posting recipes on this blog.  I think many other bloggers do a much better job than me in that department but given how challenging this situation has been for us as a family, I wanted to share some simple recipes that have worked for us.


Do you have any tips/tricks that will help with potty training?  Please share in the comment section below...

Friends

The topic of "friends" has been looming in my world for a few days now.  Last week, Hubby came home with a story about a co-worker's daughter who had been ostracized for the first time - made my heart sad.  A close friend is having issues with a friend of hers.  And myself, I seem to be moving in a new direction regarding my friendships.  Of all the areas in my life, this is the one that can cause me the most angst.  I worry about it for my daughter.

I know the time will come when she too will be cast aside, left out and ridiculed.  It will break my heart much more than the guy I was apparently in love with 20 years ago.  I will likely cry right along with her because nothing feels as gross as being ignored and left out.

What will I tell her?

What could I possibly say to her that will make that hurt go away?

I'm 40 and I can still be sucked into that kind of pain.  I still feel the sting of someone who pretends to like me, pretends to be my friend, talks to me, asks me about my daughter like they really care but evidently don't and then talks about me behind my back or excludes me like I'm some skirt not worthy enough to be in their closet.

I don't ever want my daughter to feel this way.  So, I've spent a few days thinking about this and mulling it over.  Here's my plan of action:

1. I'm going to let her feel the pain, feel the hurt and have her tears.  I think it's important to validate what she's feeling and allow her to feel it. 
2. I'm going to tell her the truth.  There are some really shitty, ugly and hateful people in this world.  I don't know why, I don't care to know why.  I could come up with thousands of reasons for their behaviour like their mother didn't love them, they fell on their heads when they were younger, blah, blah, blah.  Or, the real reason is because they're just plain assholes. 
3. I'm going to encourage her to grow from it.  I'm not going to allow her to wonder why they don't like her.  Our brains are programmed to come up with an answer to every question we ask it and in no time at all, she'll believe she's not good enough for anyone.  Instead, I'm going to ask her what this teaches her about true friendship, about what she values in another person, about how she feels she should be treated, about how she wants to treat others. 
4. I'm going to give her back her power by explaining to her that she chooses her friends, they don't choose her and that she, not they or anyone else for that matter, dictates who she is.  She defines herself not anyone else ever.
5. And finally, I'm going to teach her the simple trick that I truly believe cures all forms of emotional pain: being grateful.  Look at every area of your life and cherish all that you are and all that you have.  Somebody somewhere would trade places with you in an instant.  Be truly grateful for the gifts in your life.

This past weekend, I put this into practice and it's working.  I feel like my happiness quotient is filled to the brim.  When I focus less and what I don't have and more on what I do, I can see that I have everything I could possibly want and more, including thoughtful, caring and authentic friends.  

I also learned that it's not only important what I say but how often I say it.  I'm going to keep repeating it to myself like a mantra.  And furthermore, if I really want my daughter to know that what I say is true, I'm going to live it.

Now, I feel ready.  Bring on the jerks... 

... And a Kiss Too!

I spent most of the day cranky and crusty.  Dealing with individuals who judge before inquiring, accuse before investigating and make false assumptions before knowing can quickly irritate and annoy me.

I went home cranky and crusty.  I tried to not let the day's events affect my evening with Miss B.  It's bad enough that most of my energy and thoughts were devoted to such stupidity during the day that my time with my daughter shouldn't be sacrificed either.  I found the enthusiasm to hide with Miss B under the covers while Dada came to find us.  I found the spark needed to chase her around the kitchen.  But, thoughts of the day still crept in to my head.  I was beginning to think that the only deterrent would be alcohol.  I was wrong.

When Miss B goes to sleep for the night, she usually gives me a big, full body hug. Tonight, she did exactly that.  But immediately after, she grabbed my face and planted one big kiss on my lips!  I was so touched.  It was just what I needed.  Any thoughts of my awful day vanished instantly.  Now, I had a much better thought that replaced all the crankiness and crustiness.

How can someone so little be so grand?

One Word Wednesday

A few weeks back, a colleague and I had a nice chat about our careers, our ambitions and our lives.  We both mentioned how driven we used to be.  I remember starting my teaching career at the very young age of 22.  Back then, I was determined to get my PhD in Education and become a superintendent or director. A few years back, I had given up on that desire but still expected so much more from myself professionally.  I was often heard saying "if I retire a teacher, shoot me."  I always wanted more.

Earlier this year, I had an opportunity to further my career and sign-up for a principal's course.  The School Board I am employed with predicts a huge shortage of administrators in the next two years.  This presented itself as an excellent opportunity to further my career.  As much as I think I have the necessary skills to become an effective administrator, I passed on the opportunity.  The new role would take me away from my Miss B too much and I'm not prepared to commit to others in the same capacity as I want to commit to her.  I don't want to be stuck at school dealing with a parent, teacher or child when all I really want to do is pick my kid up from her school and find out how her day went.  I don't want to lecture students in my office about completing homework, tasks and assignments.  I'd much rather help my daughter with her spelling instead.

This past summer, I read an article about a woman who was running a fortune 500 company and gave it all up to raise her adopted daughter.  She said that while many people her age had accomplished so much more than she did, she was actually quite content with her life.  I related to her message.  For once in my life, I didn't want more, expect more or strive for more.  

As I shared this story with my colleague, he said that he had experienced a similar path.  Recently, someone had said one word to him:

enough

It stuck with me in more ways than one.  So, it's my word of the day.  And... quite possibly my word of the year.

Enough.

Enough of everything that doesn't contribute to my life in a happy, useful or productive way.  Right now, I need to let go of so many things.  I don't know how to do it but if I keep repeating this word to myself like a mantra, it might help in some small way to free myself of the guilt, the anger, the frustration, the sadness and anything else that I carry along for the ride that doesn't benefit me in any way.  

Every Mom Needs a Boost

Motherhood is hard.  No matter how many people tell me that, it doesn't sink in until I'm in the middle of the challenging-difficult-I-want-to-run-away moment that makes me realize just how hard it is.  It's in those moments that I often feel I can't cope.  I feel like I'm not doing a very good job.  I must be a horrible parent.  And all the other negative, self-deprecating name calling confidence-slashing slurs I can muster come out.

If any adult in my presence were to scream at the top of their lungs, kick-hit-throw an object that is causing them frustration, yelp as loudly as possible when joyful, switch from one activity to another in .3 seconds and demand everything from me, my head would spin.  My anxiety would soar and sky rocket to a level that is beyond normal, controllable or manageable.  I would have a deep-rooted need to get the hell away from that person.  Fast.


If that person were an adult, I would do just that.  Run.  But the person in my life who is all these things and more is my little Miss B.  She is a toddler who is more energetic than I'll ever be for the rest of my life.  She is the daughter who is so spirited that every emotion is magnified and expressed loudly.  She is the child who is testing, learning and growing.

I really want a break from it all.  I would love to come home from a stressful day at work and not have to teach my daughter about frustration.  But, unfortunately for me, those lessons are not planned.  They just happen.  I would love to come home from a long day at work and just snooze on the couch for 30 minutes, maybe an hour and get up leisurely.  But, sadly, those catnaps are no longer part of my day.  My husband often jokes that when Miss B is a teenager and spends most of her day sleeping that we will wake her up just as she's done with us.  I beg him not to!  If I have to wait 12 years for that kind of quiet, don't ruin it for me.  Please...


The other day, I met up with a friend who was sharing that she hasn't been feeling the "glow" that mothers should feel and that she doesn't feel the same as she did before having her baby.  As I listened and talked with her, I had this little voice in my head that said "listen to yourself...".

We might not always do our best.  We might make mistakes.  We might do things that we're not proud of.  We might find it so very hard to forgive ourselves these very mistakes.  So, when you see a mom in despair, just know that she likely needs a boost.

I could sure use one right now.

This post is dedicated to the lovely friend I had coffee with Sunday afternoon.  Courage ma belle, courage...